17 Weeks

 

It’s at this point in the pregnancy that the sickness starts to abate somewhat. I have moments when the nausea will ease off long enough for me to start worrying about other things. I’m kind of at the point of no return now. And it’s not as though I want to ‘return’ or anything, it’s just that I’m suddenly overwhelmed with this feeling that I have lost any semblance of control. Control over my body, control over the next 23+ weeks as well as control over what will happen with the birth and just the future in general. And so I start to hyperventilate. I wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling of impending doom. I imagine it must be nice to be able to relinquish control and surrender to the natural process of things. For some reason I thought I’d be a bit more relaxed the third time around. I guess I hadn’t taken into account the fact that I’d still be me. However there are moments between the panic where I’m able to remain calm enough to look forward to the whole thing. I look forward to holding my little one for the first time. I look forward to kissing baby chub and to hearing that first giggle. There is oh so much to look forward to really.